Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Venting...a novel by Patti Rice

** warning: this post has absolutely nothing to do with Lily, Down syndrome, or anything lovely. It's just me venting. Thankyouverymuch. ***

It's going to be a great day, I can tell. When it starts off like this, things can only get better.

I was scheduled to have my glucose test this morning...the one they have you do every pregnancy to check for high blood sugar (gestational diabetes). I asked my OB if I could somehow escape this dreaded test, as I know I have LOW blood sugar, not high blood sugar. I had it last pregnancy and I have all the signs this time as well...if I don't eat every few hours I get light headed, dizzy, shaky, tunnel vision, I start cussing, etc. It's a lot of fun. After many episodes in stores or the library where I have almost passed out and had to borrow cheese and crackers from someone...a library clerk, a stranger, etc, I have learned to always have a Fiber One bar in my purse with me at all times.

Anyhow, my OB said I absolutely had to have this test, and I scheduled it for this morning at seven a.m. I had to fast for twelve hours before..which was already not easy because of what I just described.

On typical mornings I open my eyes, and there is Caleb standing by my bedside with a cup of tea. I'm not kidding. I have trained him well. I stumble downstairs and shovel Special K in my mouth before my brain is fully engaged. This is my daily pregnancy routine, and it shall continue to be my daily morning routine until I die or Jesus comes back, world without end, amen.

SO not eating after seven last night was bad enough (I forgot and ate at eight)... knowing I couldn't have my morning tea or beloved Special K was even worse...but add to that the anxiety of having my blood taken for three consecutive hours this morning on an empty stomach, and you have a very restless night. I kept waking up to check the clock and make sure I hadn't overslept...Sam took our van in to the shop yesterday, so Mackenzie was taking me to the hospital today on her way to work. I was worried I would oversleep and either make her late or miss my ride altogether...and my stupid stomach decided to act up all night as well...I think it was protesting the bottle of thick syrupy orange flavored liquid sugar I would have to down in five minutes or less once I arrived at the lab this morning. (WHO INVENTS THESE TESTS ANYWAY?!?!)

Sam's alarm woke me up at five. I breathed a sigh of relief,  knowing I had plenty of time to get ready before Mackenzie and I had to leave at 6:30...and I promptly fell asleep until 6:15. When I woke up and asked Sam (who was just getting up) what time it was, I jumped out of bed, realizing I had fifteen minutes to get out the door. In my twenties this would not have been a 44 and 362 days, this was a nightmare. It takes fifteen minutes just to get my hair to stop looking like something out of a horror movie (think Elvira on crack) let alone my face. I looked in the mirror, swallowed my pride and decided I wouldn't see anyone I knew at the lab anyway (hopefully)... and forced my unruly mass of bedhead into a ponytail.

Fifteen minutes later a sleepy Caleb (moral support - hey, he was jobless this morning!) and I climbed into Mackenzie's car.

"Do you have my Cliff Bar for afterwards?" I asked Caleb in a panicked voice. Maybe because I was. Panicked that is. "Check." he replied. "Water bottle??" I barked. "In my jacket pocket," he dutifully answered.

Side note - every mom should have a Caleb. When pregnancy and motherhood depletes all your brain cells, you need a Caleb to fill in the gaps. Did you ever watch M.A.S.H growing up ? Caleb is my Radar. If you don't know what I'm talking about, google it.

Kenzie dropped us off at the hospital, where the lab is located - in the basement, where all torture chambers are located, of course. It's been there for the fifteen years we've lived here. So Caleb and I headed confidently to the torture chamber, my stomach churning and my teeth gritted, ready to face Nurse Nancy and her dreaded needles.

Have I mentioned how much I hate needles? Let me push a seven pound baby out of a place nothing weighing that much should come out of ANY day...but do not show me a needle. The mere sight of them causes waves of nausea to course through me while gallons of sweat drip profusely from my brow.

I hate needles.

The kind gentleman at the front desk asked us where we were going as we were confidently whizzing by... I muttered "the torture cha - umm... lab" and he held up his hand. "They moved it," he apologized. "Are you kidding me?" I asked him. Maybe my voice sounded a bit desperate. After all, I was just deprived of my morning tea and beloved Special K. "Oh, it's not far," he smiled, then glanced at my protruding belly. "Well, not too far," he mumbled, and pointed across the street to a brick building.

Poor Caleb was the subject of my tirade against needles, doctors, thick disgusting syrupy orange flavored liquid, and all of humanity, as we lugged ourselves across the street and into the new and improved torture chamber/lab.

"WHO THINKS UP THESE TESTS ANYWAY???!" I whispered hideously. Have you ever heard a hideous whisper ? Listen to the pale faced guard in the torture chamber from Princess Bride and you'll get a clue. It's not a pretty sound.

*Side note...we don't have a tv. But you might think that we do from reading this post. I watched a lot of tv growing up. Obviously.

I swear my legs weighed a hundred pounds each as I forced myself to the registration desk.

"I'm here for my glucose test," I whispered pathetically. (Not to be confused with hideously. Those kind of whispers are reserved for friends and family.)

"Orders ?" the stone faced man behind the window barked at me.

"I...order give me a glucose test?" I whimpered.

Okay, I didn't whimper that. But I wanted to.

"What orders ?" I asked.

"Orders. From your doctor. We have to have them or we can't do lab work."

"The lady on the phone told me you had my orders," I said.

Stone Face turned to rifle half-heartedly through a stack of papers.

"What's your name?" he spat over his shoulder. Clearly he loves his job.

"Patti Rice," I yelped back. I wasn't in a barking mood...yet. But his lack of compassion for pregnant mothers about to undergo torture treatments was irking me.

"Nothing here," he said over his shoulder. "Sorry."

And then he just stared at me.

"What does that mean?" I asked him.

"It means you need to go to your doctor and get your orders," said Stone Face.

"They don't open til eight," said a very large nurse from behind the window, licking her sticky fingers and continuing to munch on an equally large donut.

"Whatcha got there?" smiled Stone Face at Nurse Nancy, suddenly looking more like Marshmallow Man.

"A yummy donut from the cafe...the last one," grinned Nurse Nancy, and polished off her last sticky bite.

"Excuse me," I interrupted, "but I'm confused. Do I have to...reschedule ? Or...??"  Mackenzie was at work by now, and Sam was on his way out of town to a meeting. My tummy was rumbling, and the smell of donuts was wafting through the air.

"Apparently," Stone Face glared at me. (Marshmallow Man was nowhere to be seen now.) "Call your doctor today and get some orders and we'll see you when you reschedule."

"I'm SO GLAD I fasted for this!" I barked, and threw my book on the counter as I frantically dialed my son Josiah. Suddenly I didn't care what Stone Face or Nurse Nancy thought. Or anyone in that stupid torture chamber.

"Get me the President of this hospital STAT!" I barked into my cell phone.

Okay, not really.

"Josiah ??" I cried into the phone. "Can you come pick me up from the hospital?" Poor Josiah had just woken up and he said he would be there in five minutes.

A nice nurse from the back of the torture chamber came out to apologize and told me we could reschedule for tomorrow morning. She said this kind of thing happens all the time with doctors - they forget to give their patients their lab orders and they have to reschedule. She wrote me down for seven a.m. tomorrow and assured me they would poke me gently.

Josiah picked us up, and I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing my Special K and English Breakfast tea were waiting for me at home, just minutes away.

And suddenly my Venting Novel has become so long that I don't have time to tell you about the rest of my crappy morning...the one where I bent over to pick up a crushed ball point pen in the driveway after Josiah drove off...and promptly covered my hands and only pair of maternity jeans that fit with dark blue ink...and how someone locked the garage door when they left this morning, and Caleb and I didn't have a house key...and how I stood drooling at the front door and ringing the doorbell for ten minutes, praying one of my older kids would wake up and hear it while ball point pen ink dried quickly on my hands and jeans... and a coughing fit triggered by the cold Oregon morning triggered another episode of weak-bladdered-pregnant-woman-syndrome.

So here I sit at the computer, typing away, wearing a fresh pair of maternity yoga pants, an empty cereal bowl on one side of the keyboard, and my second cup of tea steaming beautifully on the other. My jeans are soaking in the washing machine with oxyclean, and The Rice Ranch is just now coming to life.

And it just gets better from here.


Lisa said...

poor baby - that morning deserves a rant!

Deanna said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA thank you for letting us laugh with you through your tumultuous morning. I love it when you do posts like this! Btw, we need a picture of the unruly hair ponytail deal....(-:

Mariah said...

Oh are awesome! Listen...if the Oxyclean doesn't work, get thee to your nearest Joann's or somewhere you can buy Rit Dye products. Get some stuff by Rit called Color Remover. Follow the package directions and your jeans should be good as new. Don't put them in the dryer if they are still stained though! But you probably know this... Worst case...get navy blue dye and make them super dark blue! Cheaper than new jeans.

Kiara Buechler said...

Oh my, I had many mornings like this when I was pregnant, far too many. Hopefully your test goes well tomorrow, and they do indeed poke you gently.

Micah said...

oh. mygosh. bless your heart!! What a terrible, awful, annoying, frustrating morning! Momma SAID there'd be days like this. Or did she? lol If she did we probably wouldn't have believed her.
I hope it has allll gotten better by this afternoon. I'd hug you if I could reach thru the computer.
Sending a (((hug))) from Texas!

goldenleaves said...

That's the kind of day only a pregnant woman could have! Hope it gets a lot better! :)

Dylan'sMommy316 said...

Sorry to say this but I laughed. I'm sorry the morning was so bad but hopefully it goes better tomorrow.

crystalkupper said...

I sooo hear you. I hate that stupid test too! And it could be worse. You could be a military wife in which "Hurry up and wait" is your standard order at any given time at the doctor's office. :-)

35 weeks here...almost done!

Unknown said...

That is quite the morning! I hate needles much so that I have yet to have a shot or blood draw without passing out. I also often vomit and kick people during the procedure as well. I'm a fantastic patient! :)

A pathologically information hungry mother said...

Firstly, I am so sorry you had such a start for the day... BUT, you are good at this, great sense of humor,I would never think you are a pastor's wife...:-) Love the venting, bring it on... Plus now is your chance, you can blame it on the insanity induced by the hormones.

Becca said...

Oh, man, what a DAY! Thanks for the laugh at your expense, though. Ugh, I would have been soooooo ticked. Sounds like you handled it with remarkable grace. :-)

cara said...

I was totally relating to the part about how much you hate needles. I do not like them either. I even have my babies at home where I do not have to have an IV or anything coming near me with a needle. I even pushed out a 9 pound 6 ounce Benji with no medication because I would much rather do that than have something in my back or an IV in my arm. Well, and I also am extremely sensitive to any chemicals- forgot to mention that. SO, home is best for me!! But I had to do that glucose test too.

I am truly SORRY about your morning Patti because I can only imagine how you must have felt when they did not have the order and you went through all of that!! xoxo

Unknown said...

I am 23 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It's a girl! I am diabetic so I can't relate to having to take this test but I saw this and thought it would brighten your day.

nicole said...

You are a better woman than me ~ I would refuse to go back again! By the way, hair spray on ink really works. Thanks for the laugh!

Unknown said...

Well, I am hoping your day got better after that!!

Mrs. K said...

Must admit, your Mama laughed too. Thought I was watching a new TV reality show happening before my very old eyes. You get your fear of needles from your Dad. I don't mind them just don't like to watch someone else get them. I probably would have burst into tears or grabbed Mr. Stone Face by the scruff of his neck and spit into his face that he had better bend some rules or I would bend him like a pretzel. OK so I am fantasizing!!!! Loved your venting novel. xoxoxoxox

Lori said... should send the link to your blog to the hospital so they can see how famous they are :) I probably would have grabbed the donut and ran laughing away :) glad you got your caleb and your O/K...

Barb said...

Aw, how miserable! So glad that sweet little baby of yours will be here soon. <3

Barb said...

That was a GREAT story and made me smile!! I know you're now smiling about it too. These crappy days are what we often time look back on and laugh. :) Thanks for sharing.