There's a common scene in our house lately...
You love your toys. It used to be that you were content to play with whatever was right in front of you. Now you crawl over to your basket and dig through it, holding each toy up to examine it, and discarding it in search of the perfect one that fits your mood.
Lily, just tonight as I was making cupcakes for your brother Josiah's birthday tomorrow, I looked over at you playing with your toys. Your eyes locked with mine and you grinned, and I just felt so connected to you, my heart hurt. Literally, physically ached from loving you so much.
It made me remember how I felt when I was pregnant with you, and I wondered if I would feel connected to you if you had Down syndrome. I actually wondered if it would feel like you were my baby, if that extra chromosome would somehow separate you from me. It's so silly now to think of that, but I just really didn't know what to expect back then.
It was almost like when I was pregnant with your brother Josiah...I only had Jason then, and I just could not imagine loving another baby as much as I loved him. But once I had Josiah, I realized- love grows. It stretches our heart to places we didn't know it could go, and having another baby didn't take away from my love for my firstborn... it added to it, expanded my soul.
And crazily enough, I feel almost more connected to you than I did all your siblings when they were babies. Of course, I love you all the same- each one of you is so unique and so precious to me, and nothing in the world means more to me than all of you.
I don't know how to put it, other than I feel like you and I have been through so much together, that you feel like an extension of me. When you're sleeping, I really feel like a part of me is missing, and when you wake up I feel complete. You are so attached to me- you are content to play with your toys, but if I sit down beside you, you drop everything you're doing to crawl into my lap. You melt right into me and lay your head against me, and suck your thumb contentedly... and it's as if you're still inside of me.
I felt this way with all of your siblings- that the first 6 months of their lives were almost an extension of my pregnancy, the fourth trimester, only outside the womb.
But you're 14 months old now, and we're still in that connected state... a limbo between birth and
letting go, and yet I wonder...will it end? Maybe God gave me my wish in you, a child that would always be my child, and never outgrow the need for me, never move beyond the state of us.
My beautiful, sweet and perfect Lily, I love you more than life itself.
God blessed me more than I could ask or think when He gave me you. And whether or not you do outgrow your need for me, I will always cherish this season, this prolonged state of looking inside your almond eyes and feeling such love radiating back at me...nothing else but love, between you and me.
Loving you always,