Tuesday, February 7, 2017

snarky patti

Hello readers.

If you've been a visitor to my blog, A Perfect Lily, for any length of time, you have probably noticed something.

I am rarely the same blogger twice.

Some days you might come here and read some deep spiritual musings on the true meaning of life, complete with scripture verses and a Pinterest quote or two.

Other blogposts might discuss the complexity of raising children with special needs, the beauty of Down syndrome, and the challenges that accompany that "magical extra chromosome".

And still other days you might find a very practical post including family favorite recipes, tips for homeschooling, and ideas about a new beauty product my sister-in-law just sent me. No heavy revelations, just some fun facts with a few pictures of our daily shenanigans thrown in for good measure.

I wish I could say that this happens on purpose; that I am a blogger with a plan, a mom on a mission, artfully mixing things up in order to appeal to a vast array of readers and their preferences.

The truth is I am just a scatterbrained housewife, posting whatever random thoughts pop into my head at that moment. And the end result of that is a potpourri of posts all bound together in one very untidy little package called A Perfect Lily.

Just like the real-life me, my blog is a great number of things. Not a tidy little package, not a perfect little pastor's wife, not a one-dimensional character, but rather a cobbled-together story that has many different chapters and plot-twists and layers. To some that might look like chaos, but to me it just looks ... normal.

So today's post is going to reflect one tiny little aspect of my personality, and if you know the real me, you know that attribute well : Snarky Patti.

I try to hide Snarky Patti most of the time, because quite honestly I don't know if the world can handle too much of her at once. My dearest friends know her well ... maybe a little too well, at times  ... but there are occasions when the veil is lifted, so to speak .. and there she sits for all to gasp at in astonishment or horror. A few misplaced remarks and shocked expressions later, and  I can usually reign her back in ... but today is not one of those days.

Just a friendly heads-up, fair readers. The Gratitude Revolution had its place last week.

But there is a time for everything in its season, they say...  and today Snarky Patti needs a little outlet for her stress.

Consider yourselves warned.

"I feel my inner snark coming out, Hayden. You might want to run."

Five things

That Stress Me Out:

(Come back later to read about Three Things That Bring Me Joy.)

(Much later. Like maybe next week.)

Here we go:

1) Lack of sleep.

Especially when I feel exhausted to the bone...and then get woken up five or six times in the night for various reasons (crying baby, cranky toddler, teenager that forgets to call and say he won't be home til an ungodly hour, tossing and turning husband ...). I don't function well on lack of sleep. Does anyone? Not me.

I know it looks like these two can sleep anywhere. But don't be fooled.
would one of these responsible young men forget to tell me he was staying late at his friend's house ? never.

2) Children bickering 

...from the moment I wake up til I close my eyes at night. And then even afterwards. (see previous paragraph.) Some days it's average, and some days it's like... waking up in a ball pit filled with violent angry toddlers. With no escape door. And Ozzy Osborne blaring over the speakers. And the toddlers have water guns.

I'll stop.

"Who US ??? Bicker ????"

3) Critics. 

Whether online or in real life, they suck.me.dry. 

Also patronizing people.

Moving on ...

4) Messes. 

Unpacked suitcases with dirty smelly laundry, messy refrigerators with a week's worth of crusty smelly leftovers, dirty windows and mirrors that (if my religion allowed it) I SWEAR I just cleaned last week, and a garage that needs to be re-organized for the forty fifth hundredth time in three months.

thankfully this little Bunny only makes cute messes. But give her time...

5) Menstrual cycles.

 Sorry to my cousin Glenn and my brother Chris, who (I think) constitute the entire male population who read my blog, but that time of the month just sucks stinks. In my twenties and thirties I laughed at women who talked about PMSing, secretly chalking up their complaining to an excuse to blame some THING for the trials of life. But at (almost) 49 I am throwing up the white flag and acknowledging that maybe I hadn't yet experienced all the joys of Mother Nature that my older women friends were living through. Until now.

Side note : Yesterday my husband texted me apologizing for whatever it was I was ... stressed ... about. I texted back - it's not you, it's me.

And then followed up with - and these hormones.

And then followed up again with this - Everything is making me mad and it feels like if I open my mouth I will cuss , so it's better to just keep my mouth shut.

And then followed up AGAIN with - can you bring me home a kombucha.

Because for me, a bottle of kombucha (the virgin kind, in case you attend our church and are worried about your pastor's wife getting plastered in the pantry) equals instant stress relief. My husband, knowing this from experience, brought me home two.

And since I listed five things that stress me out, I will now offer up an antidote:

Five things that bring me relief from stress:


Synergy Trilogy and Synergy Strawberry Serenity to be precise. If Safeway is out of these, I will settle for Dr. Brew but don't even THINK of bringing me any flavor but Superberry, or there will be H to pay. Ask my husband.

2) Cleaning.

.. like intense deep cleaning - baseboards, light fixtures, faucets, doorframes, windowsills, the kitchen sink, the fridge. I have no idea why this helps me de-stress, other than the fact that it gives me a sense of control? I just feel so much better after a four hour stretch of serious deep cleaning. Yesterday was one of those days, and today it feels GLORIOUS to wake up to a sparkling clean house.

3) Good music. 

My current favorites : JJ Heller's The Well, the soundtrack to Miss Potter, and Pandora set to Disney (children's) radio.... especially the new songs from Moana. And don't laugh - anything from the musical Wicked. Don't ask me why music from Wicked makes me feel less ... Wicked ... but there you have it.

4) Good smells. 

I'm not a Scentsy consultant anymore sadly, because sometime last year Orville gave me the boot. (I don't miss "selling", because a saleswoman I will never be, but I do miss the hostess rewards !) Happily though, I have a box full of partially used bars that will probably last me until the spring.... Luna and Green Serene are currently filling my house with their de-stressing aromas and Welcome Home is waiting in the wings when those run out. I don't know why I have always enjoyed good smells so much, but they are the perfect antidote to raging hormones, tormenting toddlers, smelly refrigerators, you name it. (If you've seen me sniffing a bottle of room spray in the bathroom at church, now you know why.)

"Good smells do the mind and body good".  2 Patti 3:16 if you're wondering .

the smell of The Rice Ranch after the rain = Heaven

And last but not least :

5) Good friends.

The kind you can call or text and say "I need you to talk me off the ledge right now." And even if they are having an equally or perhaps even more stressful day than me, they will put their own stress on hold and talk me down. And by "talk me down" I don't mean offer me all kinds of well-meaning advice, because everyone knows that's what husbands are for :) But girlfriends ... are for listening . And occasionally offering a bit of their own snarky commentary on life, just to make me feel that I'm not the only Wicked Witch in the world on that particular day. 

"Good snarky friends are a balm to the soul".   2 Patti 3:17 if you're wondering about that one too.

"I do not have the emotional strength to handle the sound of a person chewing loudly today."
"I know what you mean."

So there you have it. A little dose of reality from The Rice Ranch, and if you can't relate, come back another day for a different view. I promise the stress level here has been dialed back a few notches, and if you show up on my doorstep you won't be greeted by this person today ....

Praise the powers of sound, smell and Strawberry Serenity, and a just little bit of snark from my friends.

Happy Tuesday !


Heidi said...

Things stressing me out today:

1. Lack of sleep as well... Hubby worked til late last night, for the fourth night in a row. I tossed and turned. Youngest fell out of bed early this morning and that was it for me. As a result, I've been rather zombie-like all day.
2. I cooked supper from scratch and I took some cooking risks and none of them turned out and it didn't taste that good. And two of my kids are picky and I just don't know how to even deal with it anymore. Ugh.
3. A smallish house, a cold and snowy northern climate, hyper children, and hyper half-grown Collie puppy. An awesome combination when I'm feeling completely blah.

Unknown said...

I had to laugh at your #4 stress reliever. Scentsy ANYTHING makes me snarky. I immediately start to get a face/headache and you will soon her me complaining loudly how I'm going to have this face/headache for the next week. This will soon be followed with how I'd like to find the person who invented it and give them a piece of my mind. My 14 year old has one in his room and loves it. I insist if he uses it I will have to move out.

I do however love the smell outside after a rain. Unless we are talking about the freezing rain happening right now. It is beginning to make me feel snarky.

Unknown said...

I had to,laugh at your #4 stress reliever. Scentsy ANYTHING makes me snarky. I immediately start to get a face/headache and then loudly complain that I'm going to have this face/headache for the next week. Then I start talking about how I want to find the person who invented it and give them a piece of my mind. My son has one and loves it. He says it gets rid of the sweat stink in his room. I tell him if he uses it I'll have to move out.

I do love the smell after a nice rain. However the freezing rain we are getting right now is making me snarky.

3 little Monkeys said...

Thoroughly enjoyed every word of this Patti!!! ❤️❤️❤️ Right there with ya!!!! Counting down the days when I'll be able to visit so we can laugh and Cry together!

Unknown said...

Best thing I've read all day. Except for the bible. I did read that today. Here's another verse for reading enjoyment. "Chocolate is the true balm of all problems!" 1Suzanne 1:1

Patti said...

I wholeheartedly agree with that scripture ;)

Cindy said...

Oh this did my soul good! Just last night I asked my husband to turn up the TV because I could hear everyone chewing. Seriously! You are not alone Snarky Patti! Signed, Snarky Cindy

grandma said...

The "real" world we all live in at one time or another. As always, thanks for the smiles today!

Samuel & Lois said...

Ohhhh....the pain of snarkiness. (Or enjoyment of it! :-/) I identify all.too.well. A few of my triggers include, but not limited to: lots of sniffing/clearing throat, CHEWING, smelly chip/cheesy/peanut butter you-name-it breath!, coming home to a trashed out garage-kid messy kitchen showing obvious signs that there were sticky spills on the floor, multi-tasking, and on and on! (I used to thrive on multi-tasking, but at 43, that seems to be slipping!!)
But maybe those things all constitute a lack of tolerance, and I'm not so sure it just makes me snarky (if only!), but all too often plain mad! :-/ Can't always blame it on my hormones either (since I was de-womanized several years ago!) unless my meds are running out, then...watch out. :-)
All this goes to show our true need of our Heavenly Father. He is the best antidote....besides food, aka chocolate, etc., and sleep. ;-)

Natasha said...

I hear ya. I have a number of sides too I have come to realise and one of them is judgemental ugly Natasha, shes not around too much thank goodness but she does exist.
I also adore luna. Love it

Kristy Sayer-Jones @ Southern In Law said...

YESSS! Real life.

Hormones are no joke. Whenever I'm around that time of the month I will cry over everything.

My best friend hugs someone else? She must hate me and that person is surely going to be her best friend now because I'm a loser.

I don't have an ingredient I thought I had for dinner? It's the end of the world because the grocery store surely won't have it because the whole world is against me.

My husband doesn't say I look nice as soon as I get dressed to go somewhere? I must look horrible and need to change 30 thousand times because I hate everything.

I seriously need to hibernate or something because I am RIDICULOUS :P

I totally need to try a kombucha antidote though instead of just drowning my sorrows in chocolate ;)

Bethany Eicher said...

Nice to meet you, Snarky Patti! I'm Snarky Bethany and I think we might be related!! ☺

Stef said...

oh my goodness, Patti! I laughed so hard while reading this, I cried. Full disclosure, by your title I totally assumed this was going to be a political 'rant' and almost avoided reading it because, while I know I'd agree with YOU, I would feel SO tempted to read the comment section and there's bound to be a moron or two that slips in there to just tick me off. So there's that.

I agreed with and can relate to this WHOLE post, (except the part about older teens calling late in the night and my brain went "oh, good Lord, that's gonna happen someday." Waaaaaa!!!!!)
Even down to the kombucha. And did you know the stuff that has the letters GTS on the bottle isn't real kombucha?! I learned that last week and was crushed.

Today I was cleaning the kitchen and my husband, probably sensing I was 2 seconds from a nervous breakdown, told me I should go lay down and rest. I was like, "But I'm stressed! Cleaning the house IS what will relax me" 13 years in and he hasn't learned some of the most basic things about his weird wife ;-)

I wish we lived closer. I have grand ideas that we'd get along great and I'd come away realizing if you can do it, so can I. I keep finding myself making friends that are SO opposite me. I homeschool but I don't overly stress over it. And yet most of my home schooling friends text me all "my FOUR year old refuses to do math, what do I do???" and I'm like, "um, she's four. Let her go play." Women who are annoyed because they can't find time to return their clothes at Nordstrom and I'm saying, "Goodwill, sister."
I could go on and on. Knowing women like you, even if its only through the magical world of the Internet, is so often a breath of fresh air and reminds me that I can have babies AND a sense of humor, even when I'm old (wishing I could add the laughing emoji with tears coming out because my sarcasm cracks me up) You aren't old at all, but I had a lady tell me the other day I'm crazy for wanting more kids because I'm SO past that age where you should be having kids. And FYI, I turned 37 on Monday. Yeah.

My comment is longer than your post, sorry.

Patti said...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT REAL KOMBUCHA ????? What is it then ??? (Insert very scared faced emoji)

Unknown said...

your posts are hilarious and VERY relatable! I live for snarky people who can handle my sometimes negative rants without giving me a "you need to repent" look. the chewing irritation is shared also. I used to get in trouble for complaining of my sister eating cereal when I was 5! I've always hated hearing others chew!!! P.s. my husband says he always knows when I'm in a bad mood because I clean to no end!

Naomi said...

omg we are WAY too alike. This made me laugh.

Unknown said...

hilarious! we're pretty much the same person. but I'm worse about cussing, haven't grown to love kombucha, and have 10+ years left of fertility and I'm *supposed* to be nearing the end of my childbearing years (we have 9 children)!