Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Perfect Lily

Dearest Lily,


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It is almost incomprehensible to me that there was a time when you weren't in our lives. I've tried to go back in my mind to the pre-Lily days, but it doesn't seem possible that you weren't always here, filling up the spaces in our hearts and charming us daily with your almond eyed smiles.

I've said it here before, but each day is like Christmas waking up next to you.

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Of course life had its share of awe-filled mornings before you came, and certainly there was a true measure of happiness in each one. Nine babies before you each brought a new dimension of joy to our lives with their own arrivals, a unique layer of love added to an already overflowing cup.


And yet it seems that all my life I've been waiting for you.


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When I first started writing my letters to you here, I was 5 months pregnant. I'd always kept pregnancy journals for all of my babies, but yours was the first one I kept online. The rest of my journals are recorded in cloth or leather-bound diaries, each one stored away to be read again some day. But none of those books needed titles... they were just compilations of letters written to each of your siblings, much like the letters I've written to you here.

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For six out of nine of those other pregnancies, Daddy and I didn't know what the gender of our babies would be. But after finding out who your brothers and sisters were during my last 3 pregnancies, we decided we wanted to be surprised again.

It didn't take long to come up with a name for your blog...I'd lost a baby before you were conceived, and those early months were spent waiting to hear your tiny heartbeat...and then waiting for the next ultrasound...and the next...


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..and thus Waiting for You was born.

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Somewhere around the 6th month of my pregnancy I had to be hospitalized for kidney stones, and an ultrasound was ordered. At that point I was in so much pain that I asked Daddy if we could find out who you were...I desperately needed a silver lining in the midst of those storm clouds.

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Dearest Lily, I'll never forget that magical moment when the doctor pronounced those beautiful words, "You have a little girl !"


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And so your journal underwent another name change...and Waiting for Lily was our new state of mind as well.

I've written about it before, but all my life I felt I would have a child like you. I was so convinced during my last two pregnancies before you that I was going to be the mommy of a baby with Down syndrome, that I googled pictures of ultrasounds to compare to your brothers' pictures.


Even as a young girl, when your grammi was teaching children with special needs, I felt strongly that some day I would be teaching children like you as well.

So was it intuition?

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I don't think so. I think God had a special plan for you and me, and all along He planted seeds in my heart and signs in my path to point the way to you.

And although it took me a little while to adjust to life as we know it now, I really do have an overwhelming feeling of having arrived.

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In the hours after your birth, when your diagnosis was confirmed, I knew it was time to change the name of your journal. We were no longer waiting; our Lily had arrived safe and sound and exactly as God planned her to be.

A Perfect Lily came into our lives, beautiful and flawless, a gift beyond anything we could ask or think....

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There was another time in my life when something was missing, dear Lily. Long before I had you, or any of your brothers and sisters, there was a void, a sense of lack that permeated everything I did and every corner of my being.

And just like life before you came, there was a certain measure of happiness. I'd be lying if I said I never knew joy before you, just as in my pre-God days I still had moments where I could truthfully say, "my cup runneth over."

But in the midst of it all, there was a sense of waiting, a longing for something more.

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The wonderful thing about God is, He never leaves us alone in our searching, He is always faithful to point us to the true source of lasting joy. And when I met Him on that beautiful day 26 years ago, and asked Jesus to be my Savior and fill that void...the waiting was over.


Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Phillipians 3:12




He took the lonely places of my heart, the longing of the soul for wholeness, and filled them in with purpose and meaning.

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"I took a day to search for God, And found Him not; but as I trod, By rocky ledge, through woods untamed, Just where one scarlet lily flamed, I saw His footprint in the sod”

~William Bliss Carman



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Loving you all the way to God,

Mama oxox

18 comments:

Ashley said...

Beautiful, as usual, Patti. Lily is so absolutely gorgeous :) I can not even begin to imagine my life without Laura. She brings me soooo much happiness and joy. Even on days when I don't feel like smiling, SHE is the one that can just look at me, and make things right again.
Love you and Lilybird! xoxo

Team Lando said...

Oh wow. Such beautiful pictures!

Annie @ The House That Jade Built said...

She is so stunning - I just love her pictures so very much!! She has that sparkle of joy & life in her eyes just like Ollie Faith!

We weren't going to find out what Miss O was either, but she had so many surprises with her prenatal ultrasounds that we found out. It made the day they told us about her heart, better. I dreamt a month earlier that she was a baby girl with Down Syndrome & she sure was. God always amazes me in how he prepares our hearts!

kecia said...

Once again, perfectly said. I loved the history of how your blog came about, and how you were being prepared beforehand for lily and now your have arrived. I feel the same way. Actually when Kris and I were dating we sat on a park bench one night talking about the future and this and that and Kris said that for some reason he felt like he would one day have a child with down syndrome....of course talking about thAt was scary at thAt time, and now look where we are. It never ceases to amaze me how God works!

Just Trying Not to Blink .... said...
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Just Trying Not to Blink .... said...

I was going to write this after your last post, but then I saw that in this post you have written it so beautifully yourself - of course you didn't need my reminder that Lily is perfect just the way she is. No matter when any of our children hit their developmental milestones or what talents or challenges they grow up to have, they are just perfect the way they are. Lily happens to have an extra chromosome, but she is no different than any other child.

Love the pictures. The second one of Lily bathing is just soooo cute!

Danielle said...

She is so perfect! And she's a beautiful gift just like salvation!!!!!

Pam said...

So so sweet! I just love the pictures of her. My heart swells. :)

I wasn't going to find out Brady's gender, either, like we did with his older brother. When I decided to have an amnio to find out if he had Ds (although in my heart I already knew...like you, I knew I would have a child with Ds back when I was a teenager), I decided to find out as much about him as I could. I knew with each kick (because he was active!) that he was my ray of hope!

Anna Theurer said...

Beautifully written with beautiful photos of little Lily! I love the "bed head" photos though! So cute.

cathy said...

Oh my goodness, beautiful pictures AND words---
The 1st picture of Lily she looks exactly like Sam, then onto the picture of her on the quilt & she looks like a mini you...

love & pryers
xoxo
cathy

Katrina said...

Beautiful I am in tears just Beautiful!

my family said...

great post....I wish my little ones still fit in the sink :)

patsy said...

beautiful words...written by a beautiful momma :) love the pics of you and miss lily together. and yes, hard to imagine life before our baby girls ;)

Lacey said...

I cant even remember life before Jax either. Arina just adds to our already overflowing house of angels.
Man, kidney stones during pregnancy? Oh I cant even imagine! Your a rock star!

Mrs. K said...

Lily Anne, sometimes when I look at your pictures I can see Mommy as a baby, and sometimes I can see Daddy and imagine him as a baby, and would you believe, sometimes I can even see myself. Fair, translucent skin, pale blue eyes, whispy blonde hair and that smile, oh my that precious smile just like Mommy's. You certainly are a treasure to behold.

Jasmine said...

LOVE THIS! Lils is getting so big so fast! My two have kept me so busy I've had trouble staying updated but gosh is she just perfectly made by our creator or what?!?!

Hope this finds you well Patty! Also, I can't find your page for Lils on facebook! Hope I can manage to come across it soon!

God Bless.
Jasmine

Patti said...

HI Jasmine! I tried to comment on your blog, but it wouldn't let me :/ I'm not on FB anymore...somehow my Perfect Lily fan page got deleted so I decided to just get off. Been missing you! Thanks for your sweet words:)

cara said...

Oh Patti- this is a beautiful, beautiful post. And one of the things I love about you so much. You share your heart with love and are real and true. I see how God also prepared us for Benji, and we are SO thankful. It is hard to put into words how blessed we are to have Benji, and how much we just cherish and adore him. You have a way of putting this into words that is perfect. Lily is a perfect Lily, and I am so glad you all are blessed with her. We are SO thankful we can see her daily on here because having a baby as cute as Lily must be shared. I LOVE these pictures of her. I love how she looks when she first wakes up.

I also had that same void in my life before coming to Christ. I wondered why I was here and what was my purpose. He showed me and rescued me, and I am SO grateful to be able to wake up every morning with the King of Kings and spend time with Him seeking His guidance. He is AMAZING!! He showers us with good gifts. I am glad you have shared the reason for the hope you have in you.