Saturday, March 12, 2011

Between you and me

Dearest Lily,

There's a common scene in our house lately...

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You love your toys. It used to be that you were content to play with whatever was right in front of you. Now you crawl over to your basket and dig through it, holding each toy up to examine it, and discarding it in search of the perfect one that fits your mood.

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Lily, just tonight as I was making cupcakes for your brother Josiah's birthday tomorrow, I looked over at you playing with your toys. Your eyes locked with mine and you grinned, and I just felt so connected to you, my heart hurt. Literally, physically ached from loving you so much.

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It made me remember how I felt when I was pregnant with you, and I wondered if I would feel connected to you if you had Down syndrome. I actually wondered if it would feel like you were my baby, if that extra chromosome would somehow separate you from me. It's so silly now to think of that, but I just really didn't know what to expect back then.

It was almost like when I was pregnant with your brother Josiah...I only had Jason then, and I just could not imagine loving another baby as much as I loved him. But once I had Josiah, I realized- love grows. It stretches our heart to places we didn't know it could go, and having another baby didn't take away from my love for my firstborn... it added to it, expanded my soul.

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And crazily enough, I feel almost more connected to you than I did all your siblings when they were babies. Of course, I love you all the same- each one of you is so unique and so precious to me, and nothing in the world means more to me than all of you.

I don't know how to put it, other than I feel like you and I have been through so much together, that you feel like an extension of me. When you're sleeping, I really feel like a part of me is missing, and when you wake up I feel complete. You are so attached to me- you are content to play with your toys, but if I sit down beside you, you drop everything you're doing to crawl into my lap. You melt right into me and lay your head against me, and suck your thumb contentedly... and it's as if you're still inside of me.

I felt this way with all of your siblings- that the first 6 months of their lives were almost an extension of my pregnancy, the fourth trimester, only outside the womb.

But you're 14 months old now, and we're still in that connected state... a limbo between birth and
letting go, and yet I wonder...will it end? Maybe God gave me my wish in you, a child that would always be my child, and never outgrow the need for me, never move beyond the state of us.


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My beautiful, sweet and perfect Lily, I love you more than life itself.

God blessed me more than I could ask or think when He gave me you. And whether or not you do outgrow your need for me, I will always cherish this season, this prolonged state of looking inside your almond eyes and feeling such love radiating back at me...nothing else but love, between you and me.

Loving you always,

Mama oxox

26 comments:

Alyssa B said...

Such a beautifully written post...very touching...thankyou for sharing.

RLC said...

This is so well written and just so sweet. Lily is just a gem! Thank you for sharing her with us. My daughter is 14 months this month too--where has the time gone?! :)

stephanie said...

All I can say is, ditto! You said it!

And I could just squeeze her bottom in those little pants!!! Cutest diaper bum!!!!

Jessica from Germany said...

Hello,
First I want to wish you an amazing (sun)day. And second: WOW your text touches my heart really deep. I think my heart stopped for a moment, while I read. Thank you so much Patti. And again such lovely pictures of Lily *sigh*. Makes my heart long for a baby of mine. But there is no baby so I have to read Lily´s Blog instead!;) Thank you for making me almost every day happier.
God bless you all!
Jessica
PS: I will try to write the E-mail to you later.

Janie Fox said...

I am crying... I know the feeling. Life is so sweet...thank you God.

Chromosomally Enhanced said...

well said...sometimes the connection to Maddie is so overwhelming I cannot do anything but cry...not of sadness but of pure love...smiles

cathy said...

seriously Patti, you need to write a book--
your writings----so many relate to how you so eloquently put feelings down on paper.

someone "out there" needs to see this & publish you...so many mamas write how they feel & it would help so, so many

the pictures are spectacular, how could Lily NOT be Baby of the Year? I do not understand that one
just sayin'

xoxo
cathy

nicole said...

Awww sweet Lily

To Love Endlessly said...

Beautiful post!

Rochelle said...

Beautiful!

one_plustwins said...

Great post, Patti. I too have a love for Joseph that has a fierceness to it that I never knew existed. <

Deanna said...

So if Lily had been your first, would you still have been able to equally share your love with the next one?

Anonymous said...

Patti- BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN!! That is all I can say. You wrote exactly how I feel about Benji. Tears again. Jon always looks at him and says, "You and I- we connect." Jon and I talk all the time about how we connect to him in a way that is different than our other babies- sometimes we say it is like he is even smarter and knows things that only adults could know. It is weird. And he is hooked to me too. He crawls over to me wherever I am. We are attached. I love it. Okay- I said beautifully written was all I could say, but I really wrote much more. I hope you all have a wonderful day celebrating Josiah's birthday!!!!! Much love to you all, Cara - And I am SO enjoying all these pictures of Lily. So are my kiddos. We all adore her.

Anonymous said...

And I just realized that I really, really like this music!! Cara

Kelly Marin said...

Patti those are such precious pictures!

Patti said...

Deanna...honestly, I am not sure how to answer that- it is why I am feeling so torn about whether or not to have another baby. I just asked another mom (who just gave birth to a typical baby after having already had a baby with Ds) that same question, and I would love to know how you feel after you have your baby. I feel like Lily is the icing on an already perfect cake...but who knows, maybe there are sprinkles to come:) Ha, that's oversimplifying, because I really have asked myself that very thing, and I don't know the answer.

Amy said...

This is so lovely. You are so lovely. And your daughter is just beyond words. She is perfect. And our kids must have been born around the same time because my Jensen is 14 months old too! :)

Annie @ The House That Jade Built said...

I have tears. You perfectly worded everything I felt during pregnancy and now! Ollie is my little miracle - my slice of heaven - my baby that will always be my baby!

She makes me want to have 10 more though - my Dad would be thrilled! I don't know that we will have more babies, but when I thought she was my last - she made me want more!

Jen said...

This is such a beautiful post! She is such a darling little girl! :)

kecia said...

I totally agree with this post!!! I have often said this and it is not that I love Bree more than my other girls but it is just this "EXTRA" bond that is unbelievable!!!!

Erin B said...

Not many people can put love into words but you do it beautifully. I look forward to your pictures and your words! Lilly is such a cutie pie :)

Kellan's momma said...

I often wonder the same thing, if God gave me Kellan because He knew I needed to always have someone who needs me. And because I've always loved babies and wanted them to stay babies longer. I got my wish with Kellan! I love "seeing" Lily play with her toys!!

Erin said...

Such a sweet post and sweet pics! I feel a very strong bond with my little guy too. Lately he has become very attached to me (separation anxiety) and I have to admit I am loving every moment.

Lacey said...

She sits just like Arina, with her little tushy out and her belly out! So cute!

Laura said...

I always hated the way the stages went so fast and the babies grew up too quickly! I would say, "I wish this stage could just last twice as long." I wanted to soak it in more. Then four years ago, God gave us Mylie. And He answered my wish! It is beautifu1! Each of her "stages" lasts longer than typical and I am able to really take it in and live it thoroughly. I am loving it!! It is so much the same as my other children, just stretched out - Perfect!

Jane@flightplatformliving said...

oh patti, i originally must have missed this post, so glad i found it now though its utterly beautiful. i have tears in my eyes reading that God hasnt moved you past that state of us! YES THATS IT! tilly is 5 tomorrow and we are still in a state of us, i have had others comment like we interact as if we are one person and i feel thats so true we are utterly connected...you put it into words and i am touched. so beautiful, i really love your heart for your children and i am not suprised you melt looking at the little Lily, she truly is adorable. thanks again for another wonderful post xxx jane xxxx