I don't know why I'm emotional today. I think it's because everybody in the ds world seems to be going on a Buddy Walk this weekend. Or lately.
Lily, it's been a long time since I cried about you having Down syndrome. Most of the time it really doesn't even make me sad. Even a little bit.
So why is it today?
I think because tucked away in a little corner of my brain, is the knowledge that I really am just starting this journey with you. Today you are 9 months old, and they have been the best 9 months of my life- because of you. Because I am so head over heels in love with my baby girl and I just can't get enough of you.
So here I am, writing to you...because this is my place to come when I need to get it all out. Sometimes I stop myself mid-sentence, and think, "How will so-and-so react to reading this?" And I backspace through all my fears.
But today I'm reminding myself- this is my place. These letters are for you and for me. And I don't want to stop being transparent at the risk of offending people, or sounding like a big baby. Because the purpose of my letters is not to educate people about ds, or what it means to be a parent of a child with special needs. There are plenty of blogs or books or resources out there for that.
My letters to you started because I needed a source for my feelings...my grief...my fears...and my joys and triumphs as well.
So what's the big deal about me not wanting to go on a Buddy Walk? Who will miss me there?
I don't know, Lily. But it's really bothering me.
I don't want to go.
I don't feel up to seeing how life might be when you're a teenager... or an adult. I'm just not ready for that...yet.
But you know what?
Right now we just take one day at a time. One beautiful, love-filled day at a time. And we're happy and content and thrilled with sweet and perfect YOU.
So while I am so happy for those who are walking across the nation for ds, I'm not going to be ashamed that I'm not ready to walk just yet.
I'm home loving my baby girl, and that is all I need for now.
Loving you to the moon and back,