Thursday, July 22, 2010

Would I change you?

Dearest Lily,

Lately I've been thinking about the changes you've brought to our lives. I've been thinking about life before Lily, and how even though we were so happy and blessed and felt that life was so full... there was no you...

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*thank you Karen, Lily's therapist, for allowing us to share these photos..we love you.

And though we wanted so much to have a baby without special needs, we never knew how very special that could be.

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I've read it many times since having you, and it's true...I never knew I wanted a baby with special needs...until I had one.
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Would I change who you are? Given the chance, would I take a "normal" baby over my Lily?

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Not a chance.

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If I could wave a magic wand, and take away that magical extra chromosome, would I do it?
Maybe for you, Lily.
Maybe so you could sit and walk and talk and read and live...without struggle.
But not for me.

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Would I trade the love that's grown between us as a family, since having you? Would I change your diagnosis so our lives would be easier, less complicated?

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If I could turn back the hands of time and erase all the moments of wonder and awe at the little things that we used to take for granted...would I dare?
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How could I?


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Because you know what, Lily? We've learned that faster isn't always better. That slowing down to enjoy each milestone and cherish each moment is a very good way to live.
We've changed our view of "normal" and "perfect"...because we found out how very perfect less-than normal could be.
We looked in your eyes and saw perfection ...those beautiful almond eyes that first told us who you were.
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Our hearts are overwhelmed with loving you, our cups are filled to the brim with joy..

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Would we trade your crinkly-eyed smile, your open-mouthed grin of delight...

for anything?

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Not ever.

Our baby girl, our gift from Heaven, our sweet perfect Lily, how did we know love before you?

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Tonight I'm remembering those words that God spoke to my heart so many months ago...my scared and anxious heart, wondering what the future held for my baby girl.

"If you ask Me for bread, will I give you a stone?"

He gave me more than bread, dearest Lily. He gave me a treasure greater than any I could ever have imagined.

He gave me you.

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All my love forever,

Mama oxox

10 comments:

Ashley Q. said...

This post is so beautiful! It just describes so perfectly the love we feel towards Laura too. How we would change her Down Syndrome for her but not for us...because to us she's perfect :) Love you!

B. McKenzie said...

Because you know what, Lily? We've learned that faster isn't always better. That slowing down to enjoy each milestone and cherish each moment is a very good way to live.
We've changed our view of "normal" and "perfect"...because we found out how very perfect less-than normal could be.
We looked in your eyes and saw perfection ...those beautiful almond eyes that first told us who you were.

this is sooo true. Thanks for sharing.

Cathy said...

Oh my goodness...tears here!! Blessed and loved, that's what you are baby girl.

fckopp said...

Good golly Patti. When I opened your blog I thought "how did Patti get a picture of me in my green top, I didn't have it when I last visited?" Then I saw Lily on the exercise ball and realized it was not a picture of me. Love all the pictures and Kenzie's hair style. Time goes by so rapidly and we think we are going to remember every little saying, gesture, smile, etc. but unfortunately daily life gets in the way and those little snipets are blurred after a while so all these pictures and your journal will help all of you remember Lily's daily special moments. May you never lose your internet blog. Do you have backup? Do you have a hard copy? Love the music as well..wish I could just play it all day as I work, sew, clean, cook, iron etc. Big Grammi hugs to all.

Jill said...

I love, love, LOVE this post! Oh there are no truer words ever spoken. Beautiful.

Elissa said...

So beautiful Patti! Your words and your baby girl Lily

Hannah said...

This is really beautifully written and touching :)

Brunner Family said...

LOVE her little smile with her tongue out!! Such a sweetie!

Roo's Mom said...

Now that Roo is 7, and we seem to be out past most of the awful medical complications she had her first years, I will be honest and say that the only thing I would change about her is the challenging behavior she presents at times. Even that is getting better over time. The biggest thing I would change if I could would be "society's" acceptance of people outside the norm and willingness to help those who need extra help make it in the world. At the same time we are seeing more and more families like yours welcoming and loving these beautiful kids, we also see funding being cut and services diminishing for our loved ones, in some cases preventing them from taking their rightful place in the community. Sorry to get on my soapbox. I get pretty emotional about this. One of the best things my darling daughter brings to me is a heart for advocacy and a desire to create a better world for all our children. Your blog is wonderful, Patti, because anyone who visits can see how much you love Lily. That in itself speaks of acceptance and desire for inclusion. Keep up the good work! Sara

Pressed Petals said...

simply beautiful!