We just got home after a week of conference- I was so excited to show you off. Everyone thought you were so tiny and beautiful and perfect. So many mixed emotions for me..seeing other babies younger than you, who are twice your size makes me more aware of how little you are. I know you're healthy, and that is what matters. It's just a little difficult wondering what your future holds.
I still have moments of fearing a little bit. I just want so much for you to be able to "relate" to us. I don't want you to ever feel unloved, or made fun of. I don't want you to ever be aware of any disabilities you might have. I just want you to be happy and feel safe and totally loved.
The other side of that, is that something in me also cringes when people say certain things, hoping to encourage me about your future.. like "they (people with Downs) are always happy." I mean, of course I want you to be happy all the time. But I think that's one of the "myths" about Down syndrome- because according to every piece of literature I've read about what to expect, you will have every range of emotions a "normal" person does. Having Downs doesn't make you a happy-go-lucky zombie.. you'll feel frustration, anger, etc. too. Reading that helps me more than hearing the myth repeated that people with Downs are just "simple" and "always content". Maybe because part of what gives us depth as humans is our range of emotions and moods. It's what makes each person unique- temperament, personality, character...I don't want you to be without those things.
So guess what I do? When I start thinking about those things, and contemplating your future, and wondering who is really "right"- I take a good look at perfect, delectable little you.
My little Lily, you have very distinct little moods already! You are loud and feisty when you're not not being held or fed when you want to be. You are grumpy when your diaper is wet. You are serious and pensive when you're staring into our eyes and searching our faces, examining every detail as if you were about to take a test on what we look like. You are happy and cooing in the mornings when you first wake up. You love your bath, and love snuggling...you hate being totally swaddled, and you always want your arms free so you can curl a fist under your cheek or suck your fingers. You can't sleep alone- you fuss and squirm in your co-sleeper until we give in and pull you into bed with us. You love to sleep on our chests, especially Daddy's.
What a perfect little Lily you are. And I'm learning to just enjoy you, and who you are right now-instead of wondering who you will be some day. One day at a time, we're gonna make it sweetie.
I'll close now, cuz it's time for your last feeding before bed. Just tonight I was remembering back to when you were born, when I was wondering if you'd ever be able to breastfeed. And here you are tonight, nursing like a little pro.
Thank You, God, for my little princess who amazes me daily. She is, next to salvation, the best gift You have given us.
I love you, Lily.