Tuesday, January 20, 2015

sleep deprived mom blogger problems, and a book review

Before I share a few pictures from the past few weeks, I want to to tell you about a very exciting bit of news ...




My good friend, Deanna Smith, has written an incredible novel : Motherhood Unexpected. I was privileged to read this book before it even went to press, and I was captivated from page one. I've always loved Deanna's style of writing- I've been reading her blog Everything and Nothing From Essex for almost five years now. Motherhood Unexpected is both funny and moving, and it answers questions all of us ask at some point in life : how can God be good when life hits hardest ? 


Intrigued ? Here's a  little teaser from Amazon.com ....


All Claire wants is to be a mother, but her perfectly planned birth ends with a surprise. Forced to question everything that she has ever believed, she struggles through new motherhood. How can God still be good when nothing about this is even remotely good?
Meanwhile, Claire's teenage sister Felicity goes too far with the wrong kind of guy. Faced with a life-altering decision, she can't help but wonder, "why me?"
Julie counsels her daughters as they deal with the complications of sex, disability, broken expectations, and jealousy. However, a deeply buried secret won't leave her alone, causing her to have her own doubts.
Three women face circumstances that leave them broken and desperate. Will they find peace with the unexpected before it's too late?


Motherhood Unexpected is available on Amazon.com for $12.57 right now - and on kindle for half that price. If you are looking for an excellent read that digs deep into life's hardest issues, look no further. Drop what you're doing and head over to Amazon.com today to order your copy of Motherhood Unexpected - you won't be disappointed !

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So it's now one minute until ten at night, and I am determined to get to bed on time.

I always have this list of profound things I think of during the day - things about which I think , "I need to put that in a blogpost today!" 

And then I get here and my brain goes - huh ?? 

#mombloggerproblems

or maybe I should say 

#sleepdeprivedmombloggerproblems

I'm sure I will think of all the things I wanted to say somewhere around the time my head is hitting my pillow, but for now I'll just say this :


"You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me." 
~ C.S. Lewis






And I will add to that : enough sleeping baby photos ....









Five more photos from the camera roll on my phone, and then I'm saying good night- my pillow is calling my name ......







GOOD NIGHT !!!!!



Sleep tight :)

Friday, January 16, 2015

Our Lilybird is Five : revisiting her birth story

I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now, so many emotions that have been brewing for days, and the biggest lump in my throat to go with them. 

Our Lilybird turns five in just a few hours ... I can hardly believe those words as I type them.




 I re-read her birth story again tonight ... but even if I hadn't, it's been on my mind all day. We hosted a princess party this afternoon - the sweetest party I have ever had the privilege of hosting - but all day long, all I could think about was the birth of my tenth child.

As I hung streamers and dipped strawberries in chocolate, while I iced cakes and knotted balloons and wrapped gifts, I listened to her birth music and traveled back in time to the day of her delivery.






I don't know why "five" has brought back all those feelings surrounding her birth, but it has. 

I wish I could go back.

I've said it so many times before, but I want to go back and re-live that day - with the wisdom and experience and grace that five years has brought me. I want to feel all of the emotions - the shock and the joy and the pain and the triumph - but feel it all with the knowledge I have now, that life was about to get a whole lot better. I want to go back and fill in all of those hard moments with what I know now. 





But I can't go back, and so instead, I'm re-posting her birth story here.

If you're new here and you've never read about those moments on that beautiful Saturday morning five years ago today, I'd love for you to take a few moments to do so right now. 

Journey back with me to that grace-filled day, and imagine a family about to enter into one of the best chapters of their life's story ... and yet they don't even know it. Picture a hospital room filled with angels, ushering in the presence of God - because He was there that day, dear reader. He was there to wrap His loving arms around us when we cried tears of loss and uncertainty, and He was there to give us hope for the future. 

We felt His presence.

We felt His ministering angels, gathering round us at my bedside as my son Jason led us all in prayer. We felt the prayers of His people, as news traveled to friends and loved ones, surrounding us with grace and strength. We felt His love through strangers, sent directly to us to speak words of hope and encouragement right when we needed it the most. 

We knew God was with us.

And that's the thing I hope you see in this story - the thread that's woven purposefully and perfectly through the story of our daughter's birth - the love and the grace of the Father, who created Lily in His image. Before she was even formed in my womb, He knew her, and destined for her to be a part of our family. 

We didn't know what goodness lay in store for us - but God knew.





Happy, happy birthday to our beautiful - our perfect - Lily Anne.



xoxoxox Lily's Mama




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Dearest Lily, 

You're almost 4 months old now..I never thought I could love you more than when I was pregnant with you, but every day since your birth my love for you has grown even stronger. It feels like you've always been a part of our lives. 

I've wanted so many times to write about the day you were born..There's a letter to you about the morning of your birth, but I never finished the story. The moments following your arrival were so busy- and that whole first week in the NICU at Doernbecher's was exhausting. Every night I wanted to write about what was happening that day, so I didn't forget about the whole experience. 

There have been opportunities since then to sit down and put into words what happened that day...the day that changed our lives forever. But honestly, I haven't been ready to go there emotionally until now.

The morning of your birth was three weeks to the day before your actual due date. I couldn't believe I was in labor- Grammi and Aunt Hopie had arrived just the night before, to surprise me at your shower. When I woke up at five in the morning with strong contractions, I knew this was real labor. It felt like all my other labors- like there was this cool energy in the air:) But really it was the grace of God, just this supernatural "help", because God knows I'm a big baby, and I need a whole lot of help when it comes to anything to do with a) pain b) needles and c) blood. 

Seriously, Lily, your Mama is the world's biggest baby when it comes to all three of those things. Ask any of your siblings some day. I feel faint if I stab my finger with a knife while slicing carrots and I see blood. I have fainted having my blood taken, and I have been known to scream at a doctor about to inject antibiotics into my hip "I DON'T LIKE YOU!!" . When I was 24.

The fact that I actually love labor and delivery is nothing short of a miracle of God.

The morning of your birth was no different. I already wrote about waking up at 4 in the morning in full-blown labor in another letter. So I'll pick the story up from when we arrived at the hospital..

Here we go..

That day is still so fresh in my mind...I remember the sweet nurse -Rima- coming into the birthing room to check me and get us situated. She was Palestinian, and her head was covered in some sort of cloth. She had the biggest smile, and the most beautiful accent. I liked her immediately, and was I glad I had a nurse with a sense of humor. 

She checked me and said I was dilated to 5...and later when the midwife, Claire, came in, she said I was fluctuating between 5 and 8. Lots of babies makes for a stretchy Mama:)

Everyone started arriving, and the room was getting quite full. Jason and Naomi, Josiah and Mackenzie, Denise and Danielle, Grammi and Aunt Hopie, and Kelly all came in with big grins on their faces. Daddy and I were so happy everyone could be there. The hospital ban on more than 2 visitors (because of H1N1) had just been lifted five days before. 

My labor tape was playing in the background..I've used the same worship tape in every labor except Jason's- it's called I Exalt Thee, and just hearing that tape puts me back in those birthing rooms; the music literally transports me instantly in my mind to the births of my children. 

Although I was so excited and happy, I could not make myself relax. It wasn't that I was in pain- God helps me so much in labor that I mostly just feel pressure with each contraction, but very little pain. But for some reason I could not stop shaking. Rima and Daddy tried to get me to calm down by reassuring me that everything was going smoothly....but those dumb legs of mine would not listen.

Remember when I had my ultrasound and learned that there were some markers for a chromosomal problem, and also a possible heart condition? My legs kept shaking just like then, and my heart was racing- even though I felt calm in my mind- my body had a way of exposing the stress beneath the surface.

I prayed, I took deep slow breaths, I prayed, I hugged Daddy, I prayed...but I could not stop shaking.

Because I knew...deep down, I knew that I would be seeing you face to face, and all the months of waiting and wondering about who you were, they were coming to a close. This was the moment I had been lying awake at night anticipating. And although I didn't want to admit I was afraid- have I told you I don't like admitting weakness, Lily?- well, my body wanted everybody to know. I hate not being in control- I hate that feeling of panic that washes over me in waves. 

So I asked the midwife what she thought about getting an epidural..to help me calm down..She said if I did, they would break my water, and I'd probably have you twenty minutes later. That did it for me- I just wanted to finally have you in my arms, and have all the waiting over with.

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It took a little bit for the epidural to kick in. Even after I was numb I was still shaking. Rima took my hands in hers and looked me in the eyes and said "We can't do this for you- you're going to have to take control yourself." Claire came over and sat on the bed and asked me how I was feeling. I started crying and said I was just upset about being afraid and I was tired..emotionally drained. Claire was so sweet- she held my hands and said "This has been a long pregnancy for you, hasn't it?" I nodded and kept crying, but it was a relief to admit-I'm not all that strong.

Lily, I'm the woman who loves pregnancy, I begged your Daddy in every previous labor to please, please let me have just one more baby. I live for having babies, I love every part of pregnancy, I love labor and delivery, I get HIGH in labor and delivery for crying out loud.

But I was done. Done with the roller coaster ride this pregnancy had taken me on. I just wanted the moment of truth to come, and to move on with whatever the future held for us. 

Daddy prayed with me again- Denise came over and prayed as well..and pretty soon I started to calm down. In fact I felt a tangible peace come over me- like a warm blanket of peace, just enveloping me and letting me know everything was going to be alright.

I'm sure the medicine had something to do with things...but I do believe God put His arms around me, and carried me through the hours to follow. There's no other way to explain how I felt. It's one simple word, really...

Grace.

I heard it preached long ago, that the grace of God is not always something you can feel until you are going through something. So many times we try to anticipate- how could I ever go through this scenario or that situation. But as Christians, we can have that confidence, that although we don't know how the grace of God can be so present, so tangible, in our moments of crisis- it IS. It is not something we conjure up ourselves, it is not simply "mind over matter"- it is not anything we DO ourselves. Grace is God Himself reaching down and carrying us through, when we don't have the strength to get through something ourselves.
Once I started experiencing that grace, I was so ready to meet you, Lily. I wanted to hug everyone in that room and tell them how much I loved them. One by one, all of my dear, sweet, wonderful loved ones hugged me, while Danielle snapped pictures, and Kelly video-taped. 

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Right after we took pictures, I felt a lot of pressure. Claire checked me and said "Let's have a baby!" She had already coached Kenzie on what she needed to do- we had planned months before that your sister would deliver you. Rima helped Kenz get her scrubs on. She looked radiant and so, so excited.


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Jason and Josiah stood at the head of my bed..Daddy and Rima were on each side, and everyone else gathered around. I could hear my music playing in the background, and I just felt incredible adrenaline...every time I looked at Kenzie she had the biggest smile on her face, but her continual gum smacking told me she was nervous too.

Just a few pushes, and I remember someone saying you had a little hair..one more push, and you were out..Suddenly the room was filled with cheers and laughter and I heard Daddy's voice, love-filled, proclaiming happily "She's looking all around! Oh, her eyes are wide open!!" Kenzie was holding you, grinning, and I couldn't stop laughing and crying at the same time. I couldn't see you, but the laughter and voices of everyone in that room just oozed with joy, and Daddy looked so happy, I knew you were beautiful.



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I had a blanket draped over my legs for privacy, and as Claire took you from Kenzie, I tried to see you over the blanket..she lowered you onto the bed and still I couldn't see you, but Daddy kept saying how he'd never seen our babies look all around like that, and how cute you were. I just wanted to hold you and look at you!

Claire said you were breathing, but she wanted to move you over to the warmer where the pediatrician and respiratory techs could look you over, because you weren't crying, As soon as she lifted you up to move you, you let out a cry, and everyone laughed.

She held you up for just one moment ....and I knew.


Lily, you were beautiful, you were so sweet and tiny ... and Mama loved you instantly, and her heart broke at the same time. I saw your sweet little eyes, and your tiny arms, and I knew my baby girl had Down syndrome.



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And let me tell you, that no amount of preparation - had I known ahead of time- would have prepared me for the love that I felt instantly for you-- the protective, instinctive, all consuming Mommy-love that I felt in that moment.

I just wanted to hold you, and tell you that I loved you, and that it would be alright- Mommy loved you no matter what.
But Claire whisked you over to the warming table, where a team of hospital staff gathered quickly around you.



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And slowly the excitement started to die down, and as the doctor and nurses worked on you, I started to feel the mood was changing, Danielle was taking pictures of you at the warmer, and still I just wanted someone to hold you up, or move the table over to me, so I could see you, but they couldn't... because you were turning blue.

I kept asking "Is she alright?" and everyone kept reassuring me that you were...but I saw the looks on everyones faces, and I knew no one really knew. Mackenzie went over to the table and looked at you. I saw her whisper something to Danielle..and she looked so frightened, and like she was about to cry. Danielle brought her camera over and showed me the picture she had just taken of you, and I kept laughing and crying, because you looked so sweet and beautiful
and through my tears I saw Mackenzie examining you closely.

Claire came over to my bed and knelt down..She took my hand, and I said "I know she has Down syndrome." Claire smiled- such a sweet, sad smile- and said "Yes. I knew when she came out.." as I nodded and smiled and cried and said "It's okay"..did I think I was comforting her? Because I was so happy and so sad all at the same time- and still my fierce, protective self did not want anyone feeling sorry for my fragile, beautiful baby girl.

Daddy was watching everything they were doing to you- listening to your heart, holding oxygen to your face to keep you pink..Mackenzie came over to my bed..and smiled..and her face broke into the saddest look..and I said "It's going to be okay" , because I knew she knew. And she collapsed on my chest and started sobbing.

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My sweet, brave daughter, she knew from the moment she delivered you, but she's just like her Mama, she smiled and held it together...until she couldn't. I've asked her what she felt in those moments, and she says it was mostly shock. Because all along she never wanted to believe you might have Down syndrome. She says she pushed that little thought to a corner of her mind and wouldn't look at it.

So I held her and stroked her hair, and talked to her through her sobs, and tried to fit in all the words I knew, to take away that shock and grief, even though really, only time can heal some pain.

I remember thinking- I can't cry, I have to be strong because my babies need me, my grown-up babies, I'm still their Mama, and I don't want them to hurt more by seeing me cry. And I wanted everything to stay happy- I didn't want who you were to be a sad thing to anyone.

And in the background I could hear Josiah crying..and I never want to hear those cries again. It's not fair to hear your almost 20 year old son sobbing, to know that you just can't fix it all. It's not something I would wish on anyone.
Then the pediatrician said they needed to move you to the NICU ..more words I didn't want to hear..but they would let me hold you for a few minutes. And when they placed you in my arms, every single bit of pain and sorrow and grief vanished instantly-




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Because when I held you I felt exactly as I did when I first held all your brothers and sisters- that I would give my life for you if I had to. Love, pure love, and overwhelming gratefulness is what I felt. You were here safely, you were alive and beautiful, and perfect, and you were my Lily.


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It's late now, Lily..almost two in the morning, our very first Mother's Day together. I have more to write about the rest of that day, but it will have to wait for now.
If anyone would have told me a year ago, in the first weeks of my pregnancy, that I would have a baby with special needs...I don't know that I could have handled it.




But that's what the grace of God is all about- His grace is more than sufficient in our weakness. He is able to take us through things we never thought we could make it through and still be okay.




More than okay. Because life with you just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter, dearest Lily. You are Mama's best gift, next to salvation, and I will never stop thanking God for giving me YOU, my precious, wonderful, perfect Lily.

Love always,

Mama oxox

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Depoe Bay Vacay part one

A bit of catching up posts to come here on the blog .. starting with our Depoe Bay Vacay. 

We went to the coast a few days after Christmas and stayed for almost a week. We came back for church on Wednesday, and Sam did have to work for a few days, but for the most part it was a week off from everything. After a busy month during the holidays, it was much needed !





The house we always stay at (a vacation home owned by dear friends) does actually have beds... however our kids, for the most part, spread out on blankets wherever they feel like it. Isn't that what everybody does on vacation ?

They are also known to sleep in their clothes and perhaps spend the entire next day in the same outfit - or jammies - if they want to.



The Rice Ranch is ALWAYS filled with music, and vacation is no different !




Sam and I made a vow to take a walk together every day we were there. I think we only missed one day, because he left early in the morning to go back to Corvallis (sermon prep), but the kids and I still made it outside for a bit. The weather was just gorgeous - sunny the entire week. Extremely cold, but the incredible blue skies and sunshine made up for it.










Hayden and Jack brought some Christmas presents from home to play with ... and no vacation could be complete without our family's favorite orange rolls.




More exploring ...





Josiah and Monique and Macie spent the first part of the week with us, and Jason and Naomi and Koa and Norah came the last half. Love having our family all together in one place !








We slipped out nightly to watch the sunset - it never gets old.


Okay, back to teaching ...

See you soon !

Friday, January 9, 2015

Best friends


Dropping in Monday before the week gets away from me and just posting a few pics. I have a lot of planning to do this week for certain little girl's fifth birthday party . 

Meanwhile here are some tender moments between these two. Love that they are best friends ...




Happy Monday, friends !

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

That's a Wrap


It's January. How did that happen ?

I don't know why I find it harder to believe that a new month is here than a new year, but there you have it. 

December flew for me. It was a whirlwind of everything: shopping, church events, sickness, company, baking, decorating, wrapping, eating, more sickness, more church events, Christmas-themed outings, etc. etc. ETC !! 

Although I was not great at blogging about these events as they happened, I was good about transferring the pictures from the photo stream on my phone to the blogger app so that when I had time to blog, this post was waiting for me. 

(Side note : that little sentence above makes me feel SO MUCH MORE a part of the 21st century than the questions I ask my kids on a regular basis. The ones that sound something like this : explain to me what an iPod is again ?)

I just felt the need to give myself props there. 

Which is another fancy 21st century phrase I overheard someone say once, so I'm going to use it regularly now. Instead of using that so-last-century phrase "pat myself on the back" ... which always seemed a little awkward when I visualized it anyway. 

Welcoming all over-40 readers to 2015 with this blogpost- BOOYAH !




That lovely little photo with the historic mural in the background (we know it is historic because the cheerleaders in it are actually wearing CLOTHES) was taken on the eve of the grand opening of The Old Spaghetti Factory here in Corvallis. Sam and I have been visiting this restaurant in other cities since the beginning of time practically - like back when I was a cheerleader wearing a similar outfit to the gals above - and it is one of our favorites. So when we heard one was coming here, we flipped. 

Okay, that's probably last-century too. 

We were stoked. 

No, that's 80's. 

Ummm...  What Would Mackenzie Say ? (This is how I make decisions these days in regards to speaking the language of pop culture. WWMS ?)

WE WERE PUMPED !!!

Boom.


Sam had roses and a card waiting for me at a table overlooking the river from the window (not visible at night, but we imagined how awesome it will be in the summer) and we gorged on our favorite dinner there : The Potpourri Plate. If you haven't tried it, you need to. So many delicious flavors in one glorious meal. Yum.





overheard: "Babies, CHEESE !!! Ohh, cute!"


Okay, it is now time to start homeschooling, and if I put this post back in the draft folder it is going to be February before I remember to publish it.

So use your imagination with the pictures, and I'll insert a sentence or two for the ones that aren't self-explanatory .




Below was a trip to Storybook Land in Albany, Oregon. It's a Christmas village that has been put together every December since we moved here almost twenty years ago, and it is just magical. Local merchants and families decorate their own booths to represent a specific story, decorated for Christmas. The entire place is lit up and there are about 50,000 Christmas trees inside (at least it seems like it) and the kids get to sit on Santa's lap at the end. The whole Rice clan went this year, which made it one of my favorite nights of the season. Any time we can all get together in one place is a highlight for me. 








Yeah, so the whole Santa's lap thing . That went well .




spy a little elf, making sure he stays on Santa's nice list ....



We start them young at The Rice Ranch. 




These next few photos are from our annual visit to The Nutcracket ballet. I started taking Mackenzie every year when she was about 8 years old, and now Abigail and Lily go, as well as Naomi and Monique. Pretty soon Norah and Macie will be joining us - and who knows if some day one of them will be performing in it ! A Nana can dream ;) 






wish I had taken a picture of our roof after Caleb put the ten foot Santa on top of it - anchored to the chimney perfectly, as only Caleb can do. 



Just four photos from the week from hell (just before Christmas) at our house, otherwise known as The Stomach Flu. I think 14 out of 18 of us got it (Jason and Josiah's families included in that number) and we may have lost 42 pounds combined by the time it was all said and done. 

Hey, we aim for finding the silver linings here on A Perfect Lily. 


If weight loss is one of the silver linings of the stomach flu, then Popsicles are the gold. 

Or something like that . 

And Popsicles in the bathtub are the icing on the silver lining's cake. (Who says you can't mix metaphors ? We're homeschoolers, we make our own rules.)



How we avoid spreading germs here - strict rules about sleeping in your own bed, no sharing of cups, etc etc. 


Uh huh . 




A little sibling worship photo ... 



A little sleeping baby photo (cuz I never post those )...



Right before Christmas we hosted a Family Fun Day at our church, complete with live reindeer, elves, and Santa himself . 






Okay, I lied about the reindeer . But Santa was really there. And Hayden enjoyed him as much as Lily did when she saw him at Storybook Land. 



Well, that wraps up this December post ... one more belated Christmas post to come this week (cuz I'm punctual like that) and then I'll be all caught up for the year. Except I still have an awesome Pumpkin Patch Post from October that is sitting in a draft folder waiting to be shared ... 

Note to self : be a better blogger in 2015. 

(That's right up there with my resolution to eat more chocolate in the new year. And I'm determined to do both. The world needs more blogging moms devoted to consuming large amounts of chocolate - there are enough kale eaters out there to fill five hundred pinterest boards with all their healthy nonsense. Give me all the chocolate !)



Happy New Year !